4 Assumptions You Might Be Making About Your Sex Life

It is hard to talk openly about sex. There are so few examples of open sexual communication, that sometimes I think it is amazing that anyone can do it at all! 

Because so many of us communicate so poorly about sex, we are left to rely on assumptions about our partners’ desires based on brief conversations, what we see in mainstream media, and porn.

Take my friend Sarah. For the first 10 years of her marriage, she thought her husband, Eric, was repulsed by anal sex. In the first 6 months of their relationship, the topic had come up, and Eric explicitly told her that he wasn’t interested in anal sex at all. Based on his general germ phobia, this made sense to Sarah.

Sarah had never experienced anal sex, and really wanted to try it, but she never brought it up again because Eric said he wasn’t interested. Right around the 10 year mark of their relationship, anal sex came up again and Eric told Sarah that he thought about anal sex all the time and really, really wanted to do it!

When Sarah reminded him of his declaration from years earlier, Eric’s response was that he only said he wasn’t interested in anal sex because he assumed she wouldn’t be into it. It was the beginning of their relationship and he wanted to please her, so he withheld his true feelings based on his assumptions about what she wanted to hear. 

Eric and Sarah spent 10 years both desiring a specific sexual act, but never talking about it. This one disclosure led them to delve into all of their sexual assumptions about one another. It opened up communication about sex and sexual exploration in new and exciting ways. It was liberating and shifted their sex life for the better. 

What assumptions do you have about your sexual partner(s)? Are you holding back or not getting what you need because you don’t know how to talk about it? 

Here are some common assumptions about sex that you can start to challenge in your relationships.

Assuming other people like what you like

It is very common to assume that what we like about sex is what other people like about sex. It happens in other domains as well. 

I am a vegetarian, and even before I stopped eating meat, I just didn’t like it very much. When planning a pizza order for a student meeting, I declared to my co-facilitator that we wouldn’t order a Meatlover’s pizza because no one would want that much meat. She responded that her favorite pizza was Meatlovers, and that was all she ever ordered. I couldn’t imagine a world where someone would want to eat that much meat! I assumed others’ preferences based on my own. 

Nonverbal communication is very common during sex, but I want to normalize using more verbal communication. Not only do different people have different sexual interests, people’s interests can change over time. When I was younger, I loved to have my neck kissed. Now, I hate it! 

One fun way to have the conversation about what you like sexually is to do a Yes, No, Maybe list with your partner. This can be done with new partners or with long term ones. It’s a structured way to have the conversation, which can help it feel less threatening. In my experience, it is super fun!

Here are a few examples of Yes, No, Maybe lists from Autostraddle and BexTalksSex. You can use an established list, or make your own.

A good way to approach this is for each person to complete their own list and then come together to talk about it. Commit to having this conversation in a nonjudgmental way, otherwise it can backfire. You can read my tips for how to be nonjudgmental when talking about sex. 

Assuming what someone likes based on their gender

We often make assumptions based on the gender of our partner. I have a whole post about gendered assumptions in relationships. This can happen in straight or queer relationships. Like assuming that men/masculine/butch people always want to top. Or that men want only want sex and women only want romance. Barf. 

In the story of Sarah and Eric, one assumption was that women don’t like anal sex. Eric assumed early in their relationship that this is what a woman would want to hear and never checked in with the actual woman he was dating. 

It’s important to be honest in these conversations about what you are interested in. Don’t answer based on what you think your partner wants to hear. The only way to get the sex you want is to communicate what it is you are actually into.

The Yes, No, Maybe list is a good start, but you can also springboard from the list into more detailed fantasies. Talking about role play and other fantasies can be a good way to get insight to what turns you and your partner(s) on.

Assuming only certain bodies are sexy

This assumption breaks my heart a little bit. The media feeds us the idea that only specific types of bodies are desirable. Although there are movements to make media representation more diverse, most of what we see associated with sexuality it is still largely thin or muscular white people. 

Porn is similar; we see thin or muscular bodies with large breasts and big penises. Deviations from this assumption are represented in specific categories, insinuating they are niche interests (e.g., BBW porn). 

The homogeneous representation of sexiness can influence our assumptions about what our partners want. It can also affect our own desires. If you are someone who feels self conscious about your body during sex or worries your partner doesn’t like your body, examine the information you are getting from your partner. If your partner appears to be enjoying having sex with you and verbally expresses that enjoyment, please stop worrying about your body! If a partner criticizes your body, get away from them as fast as you can!

All bodies are capable of and deserving of sexual pleasure. All bodies are capable of delivering sexual pleasure to others. 

Assumptions about what other people find desirable and feelings of inadequacy because you don’t meet those standards can cause sexual problems. One assumption I would actually recommend you adopt is assuming that the person engaging in consensual sexual activity with you is attracted to you. Operating on that basic assumption can be very freeing.

Assuming sex should be like porn

Porn has become ubiquitous as the internet has become more accessible. As mentioned above, mainstream porn peddles a specific look and body type that is supposed to be sexy. Porn also represents sex in a non-realistic way, but people who watch it may assume that sex should work how it does in porn. 

One of my favorite sayings about porn is “Learning about having sex from watching porn is like learning how to drive from watching the Fast and Furious movies.” (I have seen this quote attributed to sex educator Reid Mihalko, but I am not sure if he is the original source.) This quotation perfectly sums up porn. It is unrealistic entertainment. It is NOT sex.

In porn, we don’t see any of the preparation that goes into sex (like lube, for example!), and we certainly don’t see any of the fun and fumbling that happens during sex. Porn rarely shows stimulation of the clitoris, even though most people with clitorises require direct clitoral stimulation to have orgasms. Porn rarely shows women having orgasms, unless the purpose is to show her squirting. Porn rarely shows penises that are within the average range for men. 

Cindy Gallop, the founder of Make Love, Not Porn, summed up the issues that come from having porn-influenced sex in her Ted Talk. She discussed her experiences having sex with younger men, and her realization that these men were trying to have sex based on what they had seen in porn. She was able to educate them and challenge their porn-based assumptions to improve her sexual experiences.

I encourage you to check your assumptions about sex that might be coming from porn and to check in with your partner(s) about theirs. You may be surprised by how much porn is influencing your sex life. 

Conclusions

Sex is complex and talking about it can be intimidating or awkward. It is essential to talk about it, though, to challenge assumptions that you and your partner(s) might be carrying around and not even realizing. I recommend using Yes, No, Maybe list as a jumping off point to start these conversations. 

Talking about sex is a skill that can be learned. You can practice it on a regular basis. My partner and I have a weekly relationship check in where we ask each other the same questions every week. One of those questions is, “how do you feel about our sex life this week?” This allows an opportunity for either of us to talk about our sexual thoughts, feelings, and needs. It took us a while to come to this solution, but it is working really well for us!

Talking about sex will enhance your sex life. Or it will make you realize you are sexually incompatible with a partner, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the easier it is to figure out a way forward.

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