How to be nonjudgmental when talking about sex

We all have preferences when it comes to sex. There are things that turn us on and there are also things that we might find gross, appalling, or repulsive. We all pass judgment on other people’s behaviour, whether we intend to or not. Judging is just having an opinion about something. It’s part of being human. And, let’s be honest, it’s sometimes very satisfying to judge others.

Judgement becomes a problem in sex education when the people you are educating are aware of being judged. This is the quickest way to create shame and shut down communication. If the goal is for people to learn, they need to be able to share honestly and feel comfortable asking questions. That will not happen in a judgmental environment. The same is true with conversations about sex with partners and friends.

As a sex educator, I was trained to practice nonjudgment as a core value. At a basic level, I understood what that meant, and I thought I was pretty good at it. Most of what I did at the time was answer calls on a sexual health phone line, so I was exposed to a wide range of questions and concerns about sex. This is where I really honed my matter-of-fact approach to talking about sex. My communication style was (and still is) direct and nonjudgmental. My job was to ask clarification questions, validate emotions, and provide information.

My ‘A-ha’ moment

I didn’t fully understand the importance of being nonjudgmental until one particular call from a man with a pretty basic question — something about the risk of STIs when using condoms. After I answered his first question, he asked another, slightly riskier, question. I think he was testing me to see what my reaction would be. Not in a creepy way — I definitely had THOSE kinds of calls — he seemed really genuine. When I passed that test, he asked another question about a behaviour I hadn’t heard of before. He specifically asked if I knew what the term meant. I answered honestly, saying I didn’t and asked if he could explain it. He gave a brief description, and it was a pretty benign thing. When I assured him that other people engaged in that behaviour and that it was relatively low risk, he breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, he asked about something that was likely the true purpose of his call. I could tell it was something he was ashamed about, something he felt he couldn’t tell people for fear of judgment. When he asked me directly, I assured him he wasn’t abnormal or a freak, but otherwise, I didn’t say much. I just listened.

We ended up talking for 30 minutes. He kept thanking me for being kind and not judging him. He had been carrying that secret around for a long time and couldn’t believe he said it out loud. I realized that if he had detected even a hint of judgment or shock in my voice, he would have probably hung up. He never would have told me his secret, and perhaps would never have unburdened himself to anyone. This is the first time I fully understood why a nonjudgmental approach is so important: it helps people feel safe. It helps them shed their shame.

When talking about sex, whether with kids, students, or partners, it can be easy to slip into judgmental (positive or negative) language, facial expressions, or body language. Without intending to you might convey disgust, embarrassment, amusement, or any emotion. Judgment is putting any of your opinions, positive or negative, into the mix.  Below are some tips for how to work toward being open and nonjudgmental when talking about sex. Not all of them are relevant for all situations, but all can be part of your toolkit.

Tips for Being Nonjudgmental

1. Approach with curiosity.

   More recently, I have been taking training in conflict resolution and the first things I learned about interpersonal conflict resolution are 1) all behaviour makes sense, and 2) be curious. If we hope to to resolve conflict, we must be curious about the ways that the behaviour of the other person makes sense to them. In retrospect, approaching with curiosity, not judgment, has been my method with a lot of the sex education work I do. This is my #1 recommendation for developing a nonjudgmental approach to sex education: be curious.

   Try to be genuinely curious about where the other person is coming from when they ask you questions. If you feel insecure or grossed out by the porn your partner watches, instead of saying, “You’re gross,” you could try “I noticed you often watch porn with X. What are the aspects of that type of porn that you like?”  If a kid asks an uncomfortable question, and you don’t know what to say, buy time to compose yourself by asking something like, “Where did you hear about that?” Or, my personal favourite, “That’s an interesting question. What have you heard about that?” Putting curiosity first helps reduce your likelihood of getting flustered (like my Grade 9 sex ed teacher always did) and reduces the risk of the kid feeling embarrassed or ashamed for asking.

2. Use accurate, neutral language

   Part of a nonjudgmental approach is using accurate, neutral language. For me, this training comes from both my scientific background and my conflict resolution training, and I STILL find it challenging. Say what you mean without attaching judgment labels to it. Describe events, behaviors, and objects as a neutral observer would describe them.

   Here is a non-sex example:

   Judgmental language: “You keep interrupting me! Stop it!”

   Nonjudgmental language: “Every time I am talking, you talk over me. Can you wait until I am finished before you talk?”

   The word interrupt has a value attached to it, while describing what is actually happening does not. People tend to respond better to descriptive language. It also provides a more precise foundation from which to start discussion because the conversation is based on concrete actions.

   Judgmental language is often part of the fabric of sex education. When we use phrases like risky sexual behaviour, we put a value judgment on the behaviour. People might shut down and stop listening if they feel they are being judged. If you mean sex with multiple partners, say that. If you mean sex without a condom, say that. If you mean penis-in-vagina sex, say that. There are a lot of sex options that are lower risk than penetrative sex. You can talk about comparative risk and pleasure without labelling activities behaviour as “risky.” Also, just saying “Don’t engage in risky sex” doesn’t convey much information. It is not accurate or neutral. Some teens believe that anal sex is lower risk than vaginal sex because there is no risk of pregnancy. While that’s technically true from a pregnancy standpoint, there are other risks that are present for anal sex. Be specific!

3. Hold space for the other person

   I had heard the phrase “hold space” many times before I finally figured out what it meant, but it is a key part of being nonjudgmental. Holding space simply means allowing another person the opportunity to express themselves and to feel their emotions. Your role is primarily to provide validation and support. Most people know what is best for themselves, and what they need from others is kindness and validation. Holding space does not involve giving advice or pity. Simply being present for someone while they work through their fears, like I did for the man in the call, can be life changing.

   When we give advice or ask leading questions, we are conveying judgment. Simply nodding, validating through “mhm”, “yes”, and “that makes sense” and occasionally asking neutral open-ended questions is your only job in that moment Examples of these questions can be, “How do you feel?” or “What do you need from me?” Any sort of leading question, infused with your value judgments will shut people down.

4. Pay attention to your body language
   Check in with yourself regularly to see what what your body is doing. If your arms are crossed, uncross them. If you are agitated, embarrassed, or uncomfortable, plant both feet on the floor to feel more grounded. Relax your shoulders away from your ears. Take a slow, deep breath, but try not to audibly sigh. Aim for a facial expression on the pleasant side of neutral; try to look interested in what the person is saying. I have a coworker who claims he isn’t responsible for what his face is doing, but I can assure you, he is, and facial expressions are very important for communication!

   I hope these tips are helpful for you as you have conversations about sex and sex education. Actively and purposely cultivating an approach of nonjudgment will benefit everyone in that conversation. Although I am framing nonjudgment for the benefit of the people you are in conversation with, I have found that practicing nonjudgment has enriched my own life, both personally and professionally. In that breakthrough call on the sexual health phone line, my understanding of these concepts and how they apply in my own life fundamentally changed for the better.