Why is it so hard to talk about sex?
One of my favourite phrases is “use your words.” I adopted it for use teasingly with my often-quiet ex-husband after I heard multiple parents in my life use it with their young kids. It is also a phrase often used by Dan Savage, the advice columnist and podcaster I have followed since my youth. Using your words is one of the most important parts of sex, and yet, for many, it is the most challenging thing to do. Are you someone who has a hard time talking about sex?
There are a lot of things that get in the way of talking about sex. For starters, we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. Yes, compared to the past, we are more sexually free. Yes, sex is everywhere: on billboards, TV, movies, magazines, porn sites, and all over the internet, really! But it is SO RARE to see actual conversations about sex. We don’t learn it in sex education and parents rarely think to talk to kids about how to communicate about good sex.
Talking about sex in an open and honest way is the epitome of vulnerability. As Brené Brown has taught us, vulnerability is HARD, but leaning into the discomfort is also where the magic happens. So many of us are raised in a culture of sexual shame where we fear our own desires, or we think people will reject us if we share our desires. And because other people are also raised in a sex-negative culture, that fear of rejection is not irrational.
In addition to the broad sex-negativity in our society, here are a few specific factors that contribute to why many of us struggle to talk about sex.
The framing of teen sexuality
If you were raised and socialized as a girl, you received some heavy messaging that your sexuality was somehow both non-existent and unacceptable. Under the assumption of heterosexuality, you were likely taught in your teen years, either explicitly or implicitly, that it is a boy’s job to push for sex and a girl’s job to be the gatekeeper and stop the sex. Girls who had sex were labelled sluts. Boys who had sex were labelled awesome. Your horniness and desires were ignored, and all the focus was on how boys are so horny that they can’t control themselves. The message was and is clear: what matters are the desires of boys and men.
A great depiction of ignorance around girls’ desires is illustrated hilariously by an episode in the Netflix series Big Mouth called “Girls are Horny Too.” In this episode, as each of the tween boys discovers that girls experience horniness, their heads literally explode. Cultural ignorance around the sexuality of women and girls leads to slut-shaming, assumptions that girls and women must be coerced into sex, and violence against girls and women who are sexually open.
This leads to a lot of shame around sexuality. Boys learn that either they should be ashamed of their out-of-control sexuality and fear of being labelled a pervert or that they are entitled to sex and should take it whenever they please. Girls learn to suppress their desires for fear of being shamed or harmed. Nowhere in the messaging is information about actually talking about and understanding desires of the people you want to have sex with. There are no models for having these conversations.
Religious shame
If you were raised in a shame-based religion, it is difficult to escape that messaging about sex. If basic pleasures are seen as sinful and bad, how are you supposed to ever enjoy sex?! Butch Hancock, a Texas musician, is quoted as saying that Christian Texas essentially teaches people that “sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and you should save it for someone you love.” If you were raised with messages that sex is dirty, virginity is some sort of prize, and, especially for women, you are only worthy of love if you have not had sex, it is understandable that talking about sex would be difficult.
Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia
If you are gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer, you likely grew up hearing negative messages about your identity. It may have been directly targeted at you as an out LGBTQ+ person, or it was just part of the cultural milieu of your family, friend-group, or larger community. Even in a mostly supportive environment, it’s hard to unlearn those harmful messages. Internalizing homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia leads to all sorts of harm. This in turn leads to discomfort talking openly about something that you have been made to feel ashamed of your entire life. That shame can then be put on yourself and others and come out in really negative ways, including being unable to have conversations about sex.
What now?
Many of us are raised with one or more of the influences above, and we then grow into adults who have a lack of knowledge and other barriers around talking freely about sex. Start by identifying what is causing the discomfort or fear. Leaning into the discomfort instead of avoiding it will eventually result in better understanding of yourself and your partner(s). It is my hope that all sexual experiences—from one-time hookups to long term relationships—would work like good BDSM experiences: lots of communication, people explicitly stating their desires, and everyone being on board for what is happening. I truly believe it’s possible. What do you think?