Consent is Both Mandatory and Awesome

Consent for sexual activity has only recently been widely involved in sex education for young people. This is shocking to me, since it is the fundamental foundation on which all sexual activity is built! Consent should be taught by parents and teachers from Day 1.

It is never too early to learn about bodily autonomy for yourself and others! Many people are not explicitly taught about consent and this results in a deficit of consent-getting and understanding skills. Consent is violated all the time. Much of our socialization as heterosexual romantic beings is around women and girls being gatekeepers to sex and men and boys having to convince them to unlock the gates. Ugh.  

Non-consent if the foundation of so many romantic comedies and plot lines: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl says no, boy spends the rest of the episode/movie trying to convince her to change her mind. And then we wonder why there is confusion around the phase “No means no.” What much of our media teaches is that no means, “try harder.”

In my university-level Human Sexuality classes, the feedback I get from students when I ask about why consent violations happen are mostly that it feels awkward and it can “ruin the mood.” This is heartbreaking. We are fed this idea that in order to be hot, sex must be spontaneous and not involve no actual communication, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Consent is mandatory. Verbal consent is the safest bet, but nonverbal consent also happens regularly. There is a stark difference in behavior between someone who is enthusiastically consenting to sex vs. someone who is not. If you can’t tell the difference, then you MUST use verbal consent. 
If we can get beyond these old-fashioned, heteronormative beliefs about sexuality, it turns out that consent can be super hot. Here are some examples. 

One of the exercises I do in my classes is to have students come up with good ways to ask for consent that would work for them. No one is going to feel super suave stating, “Would you like to engage in sexual intercourse with me?” You need to find something that sounds natural for you in that moment.

Here are a few suggestions to at least broach the topic:

While staring into each others’ eyes,

“Can I kiss you?”

“I have been thinking about kissing you all night”

When fooling around, 

“Does this feel good?”

“What you are doing feels so good, what can I do to make you feel good?”

“This is so hot, should I get a condom?”

“I would love if you told me what you want me to do to you”

“What are you into?”

Keep in mind, girls and women are socialized to be “nice,” which can result in saying yes or not explicitly saying no to things they don’t want. So if you are someone who has sex with women, it is critical to also gauge body language and other nonverbal cues. If the person hesitates before answering, stop and check in. If you can tell the person is not physically very into it, stop and check in. Always provide a way for them to get out gracefully. 

Another key demonstration of the hotness of consent is from the BDSM community. Within BDSM, especially when playing with a new partner, it is important to outline what each person is into and what your limits are. It is crucial to have this discussion before entering into any BDSM scene. This ensures everyone is aware of what is going to happen and has explicitly consented and stated their boundaries. 

This frank discussion of sex, desires, and boundaries is part of the allure and part of what helps people to feel safe fully getting into a BDSM scene. It makes it MORE hot. In BDSM, if you have to be constantly in fear that someone is going to cross a boundary or that you are going to cross a boundary, then it completely takes the fun out of fully being able to be immersed in it. 

I think the same is true for vanilla sex. Feeling like you can trust your partners and they can trust you to get and give enthusiastic consent is the hottest way to have sex. People shy away from explicit talks about consent because of fears of awkwardness and fears of rejection. But the risk of harm is too great when it comes to sexuality. 

Use your words and use your body to get and give consent. If there is ANY doubt in your mind that the other person is as into it as you are, stop immediately and check in. It’s really as simple as that. There is no need to fear consent, and if you are worried asking for consent might ruin the moment, that is a sure sign of when it is most needed.

Keep up with my latest blog posts by signing up for my biweekly newsletter - Sent out every second Monday!