Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Shame
I did not fully understand my sexual fantasies and desires until I was in my 30s. And really, not until about 35. Women coming into their sexuality in their mid-30s is such a cliche that I am embarrassed to admit it. After all, I have been studying and teaching about sex since my early 20s! I realized, though, that if even I struggled with this, others might too.
While understanding or embracing our sexual desires might be a challenge for women in a society that frames our sexuality around men’s needs (even women who aren’t straight), there are challenges for men and non-binary people as well. Everyone can feel shame or discomfort about their sexual desires based on the messages they received growing up, the messages communicated about sex in their adult life, and their own internal dialogue.
There are different mental blocks to fully embracing your fantasies. The two most common, from my perspective, are lack of awareness of fantasies and fear or shame around the content of the fantasies.
Awareness of fantasies
If I were to ask you right now what your top three sexual fantasies are, would you be able to answer? If you are able to answer, is it because you have taken time to explore a wide range of possible desires? Or are you answering in a way you think you should answer?
If you haven’t spent time reflecting on what you fantasize about, here are two strategies to get more in tune with your unique sexual desires.
The first is paying attention to your body. In your day to day life, are there certain things that draw your attention and cause your body to react, either positively or negatively, when you see them or read about them?
Often when we feel our bodies responding to something with arousal, if it isn’t something we have considered before, or if we deem it “not appropriate,” we might dismiss or ignore it. It could be because it doesn’t feel important or that we don’t want to examine that specific thing that is turning us on.
I had a friend who always made a fuss about feet and would get upset if anyone put their “gross feet” anywhere near him. A decade later, he realized that, in fact, feet turn him on. He truly believed he was repulsed by them, but once he allowed himself to fully explore those strong feelings, he was able to embrace his foot fetish desires.
Many of you surely get sexually aroused and have good sex already. Good sex is fine! However, I believe that if you want to have great sex, you need to do some intentional exploring to figure out what REALLY turns you on. It’s probably not going to be rose petals and candles. While those things can be enjoyable and arousing, they are likely not going to be THE thing that gets you really going.
My second strategy for more awareness of your fantasies is to read or listen to erotic stories. You can buy books of short stories, or you can read stories for free on sites like Literotica. Exploring different categories, even ones you think you are not into, can be an excellent learning experience. Audio erotica on websites like Dipsea is also a good option.
I recommend reading or listening to erotica over watching erotic video to allow you to use your own imagination and control the imagery. Without visual stimuli, you can imagine anyone you want playing the roles you are reading/hearing about. This can allow for a lot of freedom and can feel safer than watching porn.
If you have a strong reaction to something, positive or negative, take time to explore it. If it is a negative or triggering response, you might need more space from it to be able to fully understand the response and whether it is linked to your sexual desires. However, like my friend with the foot fetish, leaning into the discomfort can be good when it feels safe to do so.
Fear of Taboo Desires
Most of the hottest sexual desires are taboo. That’s what makes them so hot! I don’t have data on this, but my guess is that the majority of people are into something that is taboo.
Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want explores the fantasies of thousands of Americans. I recommend this as a read if you are worried about your fantasies being bad or wrong. One of the major findings from Lehmiller’s study is that the most common fantasy is a threesome or other forms of group sex. While a threesome might seem like run-of-the-mill fantasies to some, multi-partner sex is taboo in our monogamous culture, contributing to the hotness.
Shame or embarrassment are common feelings that we experience when our sexual desires are taboo. Wanting to hurt another person can feel shameful, but it is a common sexual fantasy, as is wanting to be hurt or humiliated. As long as harm or humiliation is done with the active, ongoing consent of all involved, it is a healthy expression of sexuality.
Another common fantasy type that is challenging for some of us is rape or incest fantasies. Of course, no one ever wants to be sexually assaulted, but the fear of assault is what makes it so arousing. Early romance novels were full of non-consensual sex, and women loved them (and still do!) When done in the safety of your own brain or a partner with your consent, you are enacting something that you fear and taking control over it. It can also be healing.
These are just a few examples of sexual desires that you might feel concerned about having. There are many, many, many more examples. If you have thought about it, then someone else has too. You are not alone. And you are not a bad person for having desires that feel uncomfortable to you.
Conclusion
In the world of sexuality, most people are looking for permission to be themselves. Here is that permission. I am here to tell you that you can be free to explore your sexuality more in depth and to be accepting of the sexual fantasies and desires that you have. Happy exploring!